What SHOULD HAVE never happened again
by captainwhiteshadow
Summary: Sequel to "What SHOULD HAVE happened". It's been 3 years since that wonderful day  for Voldemort, anyway  in the Chamber of Secrets. Life is wonderful with Harry gone...wait...who just burst into the Great Hall?


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: The sequel to a stupid, yet apparently funny, fanfic I wrote in two minutes. Enjoy! =D**

**What SHOULD HAVE Never Happened Again**

Lord Voldemort, fully revived since the incident in the Chamber of Secrets three years ago, sat on his throne at the front of the Great Hall. Students piled in sullenly-most of them, anyway. Those who had previously been in Slytherin House seemed positively thrilled that their lord and master was now teaching them instead of that old fool Dumbledore. The entire staff had been replaced as well, other than Snape of course, who had been given his long sought after position as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher...or rather, the 'Dark Arts' teacher, as there was no need to defend against that which made their lord so great.

Voldemort took in a deep whiff of fine wine as he sipped at his drink, watching as all the Slytherins took their seats in the Great Hall, each bowing to him before doing so. He looked over to his beloved snake and said, "Ahh, Nagini. Isn't this fantastic! My dream of ruling the world has been reached. Muggles and Mudbloods are slaves to the magical world, as they should be. The Ministry of Magic is in my control. And best of all, that nuisance Potter is gone for good. Nothing could possibly dampen the cheerful mood lingering in the void of my shattered soul. Yep...not a thing."

Just then, the double doors to the Great Hall burst open and a cloud of mist rolled in. Students whipped their heads around as they strained to see what was happening. Voldemort rose from his seat, his slit crimson eyes narrowing at the source of the commotion. And just then, a shadowy figure appeared within the roil of foggy vapor.

"It's been a while, hasn't it Riddle?"

No. Mother flippin' assburgers no! It couldn't be...it just couldn't...it was...

Harry.

Fucking.

Potter.

Harry turned off his mist making machine and walked forward through the hall. Loud whispers erupted throughout the Great Hall as the Boy Who Lived...twice, apparently...strutted toward his most hated enemy. He looked older now. His once chubby face was sharper, his eyes a darker shade of green, his jet black hair pulled back into a metrosexual ponytail, and a rugged beard swung loosely beneath his chin.

Voldemort didn't know which was more confusing and infuriating: the fact that his archenemy had survived, or the fact that a fourteen-year-old had grown a beard when he himself couldn't grow the tiniest hair on his head after it had all fallen off within a month of being reborn (oh, those wasted Galleons on Rogaine...). "Potter! How the hell did you survive?"

Harry smirked like a badass. "I realized something that day you 'killed' me three years ago. Apparently, you _do_ go to Hell for using witchraft...wait, that's not it. Anyway, I figured out that the night you killed my parents, the moment your curse rebounded on you part of your soul lingered and shot itself into me like Snape's cock to a potion bottle."

Beside Voldemort, Professor Snape looked highly affronted. And beside him, his pet rooster, Henry, pulled his beak out of the potion bottle filled with Kool-aid he was drinking, and shouted, "Cock-a-doodle-_**BITCH, WHAT WAS THAT?**_"

"And therefore," Harry continued, "when you shot me with the Killing Curse down in the Chamber of Secrets, what you really killed was that piece of your soul inside of me. So HA! Booya!"

Voldemort glared at the boy. "That still doesn't explain how you've stayed alive all this time. What did you eat and drink?"

Harry shrugged. "Basilisk meat and sewer water."

Voldemort gasped, his eyes watering. "You...you barbarian!"

Harry laughed. "Yes, I snuck up on your pet basilisk when he wasn't looking, sucker punched him, and then stabbed him with a sharp rock...like a boss. He never stood a chance!"

Voldemort's nostrils flared, and he looked absolutely livid. He screamed in Parselmouth, "_Not __he__! __She__! You killed my wife, you little bastard!_"

Harry blinked, replying in the same tongue, "_Wow! I've never known anyone to have such a powerful animagus transformation._"

Voldemort was silent for a long moment. "_Yes...an...animagus..._" He coughed. He then shook his head and whipped out his wand, pointing it at the boy. "Any last words before I make sure to _really_ kill you this time?"

"Yes, actually!" Harry replied excitedly. He pulled out his own wand (Voldemort inwardly cursed himself for forgetting it down in the Chamber) and shouted, "_Avifors!_"

Just then, a beautiful white dove shot out from the tip of his wand. Or, at least, it would have been beautiful...if it didn't have a miniature version of Voldemort's head. In fact, it was the ugliest bird any of the people in the Great Hall had ever seen. It was carrying a long white banner behind it, with a message written on it in gold.

_I AM LORD VOLDEMORT_, the message read. And then it quickly scrolled to the side, disappearing from sight, as another message replaced it: _IMMORTAL DOVE LORD_.

...

...

...

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!_"

As Harry's lifeless body hit the floor for the second time in three years, the Slytherins-the true ones-clapped and cheered for their lord's victory, while those pansy used-to-be-Hufflepuff's cried, those Ravenclaws did calculations as to how long it would take for a fourteen-year-old to grow a five inch beard, and the Gryffindors...had all been killed, rightfully so.

Voldemort sighed as he sat back down and rubbed his temples. Now that his mortal enemy had been defeated AGAIN, it was time for some good old rest and relaxation combined with some good vibes...

"Where the HELL IS MY PINA COLADA?"


End file.
